In the spirit of my other Unhelpful Reviews, here’s not so much a review of Studio Ghibli’s The Cat Returns but a few musings on things I enjoyed about it during my drunken viewing a couple of nights ago.
As a Ghibli fan, I’m not sure why I had never seen it before. As a cat fan, I am doubly unsure why I had never seen it before. Against our usual preference, we watched the English dubbed version for the sake of the voice talents of Cary Elwes and Tim Curry, among others. My sister warned me that it was wacky, and I was delighted to find that this was an understatement. Ghibli and cats and weird inexplicable shit are (some of) my jam(s).
Musing 1: The Unbearable Sexiness of Cartoon Animals
Baron Humbert von Gikkingen has joined my short but compelling list of sexy cartoon animals. Why do I have such a list, you ask? Pull up a seat and get uncomfortable.
I’m not sure if he was my first cinematic crush, but I can’t really remember an earlier one. But come on. Justin the rat guard from Secret of NIMH is super hot, right?
“Hey girl. You know what my rat tunic is made out of? Rat boyfriend material.”
Hot AND brave AND loyal, too? Hey Justin, unlike Brisby I’m not burdened with 3 kids and a weird crow friend.
And let’s not forget Disney’s foxy Robin Hood. I would 100 % bang him AND Marian. I mean just look at these losers.
Oo-de-lally we’re looking for a third-de-lally…
…Maybe I should stop before I further ruin your childhood with recollections of my own strange sexual awakenings. But you get the idea. And Baron is crazy hot for a dapper cat who is not really a cat, and Cary Elwes’ lovely voice doesn’t help matters. Which leads me to conclude that I would have failed the test of character undergone by our heroine Haru, in which she discovers her sense of self-confidence and identity and realizes boys don’t matter.
That cane, tho.
OF COURSE BOYS DON’T MATTER, HARU! But also people in general suck (and reality doubly so), so if you have the chance to escape to an admittedly weird fantasy world with a handsome cat who is not a cat then WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T YOU? (And yes, I know he wouldn’t have wanted her to.) In short, I would have failed in every story of this kind from Alice in Wonderland to The Wizard of Oz to the Matrix to Spirited Away. Give me the blue pill and let me stay, it’s weird and wrong but I like it here.
Musing 2: Cats Being Cats Being Cats Being Cats
I really enjoy that this film shows cats as they are: random and psychotic.
Now, I love cats and prefer them to dogs but I also acknowledge that in many ways they are just awful, nonsensical creatures. So much of this movie is just cats being random dicks. And that’s wonderful. Don’t think about the plot too much. Just enjoy it.
Why the fuck was this backstory necessary, again?
Musing 3: Ghibli Food Being Awesome
Seriously, if a cat prince ever proposed to me with fish crackers, I’d be licking my paws and cleaning my furry asshole right now.
All joking aside, all the food in Ghibli films is better than all real food all the time. Can you blame poor Muta for being enormous?
Musing 4: I Really Appreciate Haru’s Lesson…However…
Muta praises Haru for standing up for herself in refusing to marry Tim Curry’s evil and googly-eyed cat king. Baron tells her he admires her for speaking from the heart. She returns to the real world by descending a spiraling staircase of ravens, and later we find her confident and serene in her daily routine, brewing her own magical flavor-changing tea. Damn. That would be great.
Despite its utter wackiness, it’s a lovely and heartfelt coming-of-age tale. And yes, I suppose to learn an grow as an adult human, you can’t very well remain in the decadence and moral stagnation of the cat world. But I can’t help but feel sad for what her adulthood is: bitchy friends and a dependent mother with only the occasional respite of magical tea. And what the hell is with this trope of girls escaping to wondrous fantasy realms but then having to return to their shitty lives? May we please have a movie about one that stayed?
If you find a portal, go. Stay. Be queen. Be cat. Be cat queen. Eat perfect Ghibli food. Be free.
Dead Space Trash 